Writing for Me

I don’t know how many times I’ve been told to process emotions by either writing a letter to the person I’m upset with (but never sending it) or to write a letter to myself. I’ve taken this advice many times and it’s helped. Today I was missing my abuser (which is common for victims of domestic violence). Actually, I wasn’t missing him, I was missing the person I imagined him to be.

I did not want to feel this way, even though I intellectually recognize that I’m mourning the loss of a fantasy as opposed to a real person or real relationship, I’m still mourning. To cope, I decided to write him a letter about how sad I am that he wasn’t the person I believed him to be. Instead, I stumbled upon a letter I wrote myself about 18 months ago and it changed my thinking. First, the letter is a reminder that for TWO FUCKING YEARS(!) I’ve been trying to force-fit a square peg into a round hole, trying to find love where it was never going to be. Second, it reminded me that I have a longstanding pattern of selling myself short. And third, it reminded me I want and deserve more.

I’m sharing this letter because somebody out there needs to write one to themself, but they are hesitating. Maybe they don’t believe it is useful or are uncertain where to start. It works, and just start.

July, 2018

Dear Me,

I’m looking at your photo. The one you took before you really tied one on at Applebees or wherever you were while you were texting HIM [my abuser].

You need to bring that woman back. You are worth it. Actually no, not exactly her.

That girl is full of hope, she has bright beautiful eyes and a 100-watt smile. If it wasn’t your face you’d be awed by her beauty.

You have a heart that is filled with love for others. People are damn lucky to have you in their life. They need to earn that spot. Just because you have a lot of love and caring to give doesn’t mean you have to throw it at the first person to walk by. You’ve done that three times now. How has that worked out for you?

You are feeling guilty for texting a guy right now because He is in jail? How guilty do you think he feels about your car, your credit score, your life that he destroyed.

That girl is beautiful. Her body and soul deserve to be treated like the amazing gifts they are. That means you treat yourself well and demand it of others.

Let a man give chase, let him pay for things. It’s OK. If you are in it for real you aren’t taking advantage.

Be happy, don’t waste your life behind the computer. You’ve spent the last three days doing nothing on your iPad. How is that possible?

Cultivate confidence. People would die to look like you do, make people laugh like you do and earn as you do, so why do you doubt yourself? Stop that shit. If someone makes you sad, get them the fuck out.

Respect yourself enough to demand that other people do. Even if you end up alone you won’t end up beaten up and alone, missing an eye and alone, raped and alone, destitute and alone.

Demand someone that can take you out. You know yourself you know it doesn’t have to be fancy, but it has to be something.

Quit paying for other people.

Be Capable, Caring, Compassionate, Competent. you already are just don’t stop. You are enough, nobody will complete you. You are complete.